Extended Silence

Things have been rough lately, but I have resolved quite a few issues in my life. Sometimes I wonder how things could have ever gotten so screwed up in the first place. Once it is all over, I plan to write several blog posts regarding what I've been through the last few years.

Most people don't realize it, but Mother's Day is extremely difficult for me. Sometimes I don't know how I'll ever "get over" my infertility. It hurts. Over all, I am fortunate to have such a wonderful Mother and a two loving Grandmothers still in my life. I don't know what I'll do when they're gone. That said, having those strong women in my life almost makes things worse. I want to one day be a role model like them, but how will I ever get a chance? My Grandma recently tried to explain to me how wonderful it is to have grandchildren. It just made me want to cry to realize that I'll never have that experience. I've always been told "just wait until you have children someday." Why didn't anyone stop and think that that is probably out of the picture for me?

For whatever reason, I've been thinking a lot about two particular TV series finales lately. Both the series finales of "Roseanne" and "Six Feet Under" left viewers with much to think about. Both dealt with issues of life and death, purpose, and family relationships. I just finished watching the "Six Feet Under" finally again. It drives right to the heart of what has been bothering me, plaguing me even, over the last three or four years. What is my purpose here?

Seriously. Why was I put here on this Earth if I am unable to have children? That simple question has haunted me ever since I found out I have Turner Syndrome. I'm now watching the people I grew up with start careers, get married, and have babies. I have none of that yet at 27. It hurts deeply, much more that I would ever care to admit. My little sister is getting married this fall, and how long will it be before she is pregnant? I'll be ecstatic for her, of course. However, I'll also be a little sad. She and her family will live on the other side of the state. I won't be able to dote on my nieces and nephews.

Believe it or not, I am convinced that my career difficulties (to say the least) are tied to the fact that I will never have children. When you are trying to substitute a career for having children, you are bound to be bitterly disappointed. Nothing has enough meaning. As a result, you quickly begin to be apathetic. I long for something meaningful in my life (in addition to my family relationships and my relationship with Brian), but I've been unsuccessful. I'm severely disillusioned.

Thank you for putting up with my little rant. I deal with these issues every single day, and it is hard for me to articulate just how deeply they hurt. I hope to resume normal blogging soon.

Lindsey